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Sunday, March 11, 2007

The Cardboard God All-Stars

Is there a word for the feeling you get when you realize the syndicated sitcom rerun you’ve been hoping to burrow into for a little while, away from the world, turns out to be a clip show? You know, it seems to be a regular episode for a few moments, maybe even one you don’t remember ever seeing before (this dawning, fragile possibility like the fringes of a low-grade miracle since the syndicated sitcom you are hoping to enwomb yourself in with the help of some Pabst Blue Ribbon and a huge bowl of three-for-a-dollar generic macaroni and cheese is one you’ve watched repeatedly, chronically, medicinally, for years), but then one of the characters begins relating the presently unfolding (and noticeably thin) scenario to something that happened in the past. Remember when Fonzie had to start building birdhouses to control his rage? Or when Kramer threw a giant ball of oil out the window? Or when Apu wore a cowboy hat and pretended to be a fan of the Mets, his "favorite squadron." The edges of the screen start to get blurry and wavy, and with that your hole-in-the-ground hiding place is gone. The clip show, that sack of used, thoroughly deflavored pebbles of gum, leaves you nothing to gnaw on but the air of the moment from which you’d been trying to escape. God, I hate that feeling.
So, on that note, here is the First Biannual 100th Episode Cardboard God Clip Show. Actually, here on Cardboard Gods there are no episodes, except of the mental health issue variety, but there have been profiles posted of about 100 guys. It gets a little blurry when you start considering that some of the profiles, such as Mario Guerrero, spread over the course of several separate posts, while other posts, such as the ’78 Checklist or "Mitch Cohen," didn’t profile a particular player at all. Whatever, who cares? I’m deciding to say that today marks the celebration of my first 100 Cardboard Gods, and so I am (with thanks to Jon for getting the ball rolling on this) presenting my choices for the 25-man all-star roster of the first 100 Cardboard Gods. Remember when Bill Lee said the back problems of Americans are caused by sitting in chairs? Or when Kent Tekulve prompted a humiliating authorial anecdote about a workplace lunchroom party? Or when Reggie Jackson was called a fuckhead and implicitly blamed for global warming? Or when Dave Cash sourly pondered the transient nature of identity? Etc., etc. . . .
C: Johnny Bench, Thurman Munson
1B: Willie McCovey, Willie Stargell (OF), Harmon Killebrew (3B)
2B: Dave Cash
SS: Ozzie Smith
3B: Ron Santo
Util: Toby Harrah (3B, SS, 2B)
OF: Jim Rice, Dave Winfield, Fred Lynn, Jim Wynn, Hank Aaron, Reggie Jackson
PR: Herb Washington
SP: Tommy John, J.R. Richard, Vida Blue, Wilbur Wood
SP-RP: Jim Bibby, Bill Lee
RP: Cecil Upshaw, Dan Quisenberry, Kent Tekulve
Manager: Joe Torre

3 Comments:

Anonymous Walewander said...

"And if you threw a party, you invited everyone you knew..."

Congrats on the anniversary - and I trust Colbern, Hoffman and Robinson are the hot prospects in that team's system?

6:01 PM  
Anonymous mbtn01 said...

* * * * * * * * *
NL vs. AL Gods
* * * * * * * * *
Bench
McCovey
Cash
Smith
Torre
Aaron
Winfield
Wynn
Richard
John
Tekulve

Munson
Killebrew
Harrah
Belanger
Santo
Rice
Lynn
Jackson
Blue
Fydrich
Quisenberry

NL gets Winfield; AL gets Santo...

9:36 AM  
Anonymous pete millerman said...

"Hey Buddy! Wanna go down to Sid's and grab some wings and study for that Chem exam?"

"YYEEAAAAHH!!! HEY! CHARLES!
(histrionically)
REMEMBER THAT TIME WE TOOK OUT GWENDOLYN PIERCE AND HER FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD COUSIN AND RAN INTO THOSE TWO SWEDISH STEWARDESSES WE MET PICKING UP MR. AND MRS. PEMBROKE AT THE AIRPORT???!!!!"

Cue Strings...Fade to Flashback Sequence...

2:33 PM  

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